East Street Alley Girl?

So, some may be wondering where I got the title for my bliggity blog. Some probably aren't. I had a pretty awesome childhood. Seriously. Like better than your average bear-childhood. At least, up untill I was 11. My two best friends, Megan and Mary,lived on the same street as me. East Street. Our summers seemed to last forever. We were always together and every once in a while, Mary's dad would sing "The East Street Alley Girls" to the tune of the Adams family. He customized the lyrics with our names and everything. I wish I could remember the exact lyrics but alas, I can't. We thought we were pretty cool. We were. So, I am an East Street Alley Girl. Thats where I came from and what shaped me. They say high school is the best years of your life, not for me. It was my childhood.

Delusional

A few months ago, my therapist told me I was delusional. I was a bit taken aback, "did she just tell me I was delusional? Isn't she supposed to make me feel better about myself?" Later she would go on to diagnose me with severe anxiety, severe depression and postpartum depression. Holy smokes! I am apparently more screwed up than I thought. I don't think she meant it to, but this just made me more depressed. I just never thought myself as SEVERELY depressed. Jeesh! Anywho, back to the accusation of me being delusional. I think I'm beginning to see why she called me out like that... So, would you like a peek in to the twisted world of my "reality"? No? Well then just don't read anymore. Yesterday, I was having a decent day, I mean, this is California and its always sunny so I have to try hard to be depressed. Decent until I went with my sister to Target. As we start strolling the isles I start feeling a familiar sensation come over me, I hadn't had it in a while but I recognized it all the same. The feeling that I am, at that very moment expanding, physically. That I am the largest woman in the entire store. In my mind I feel that my skin is actually stretching as though I am gaining 5 pounds a second. I quickly become panicked, knowing everyone is probably looking at this huge monstrous woman in the greeting card section. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I want nothing in the world more than to be out of there. With each step I take I am in pain feeling my "fat" jiggle as I walk, there must be some teenage girls commenting on how disgusting I look. I think "why did I wear these pants? I shouldn't wear these". I want to cry. Melanie notices my uneasiness and I give her brief explanation. She is kind and understanding but clearly thinks I'm DELUSIONAL. We exit the Target and I am still shaking nervously on the car ride back home. I read some more of my book and then I am finally able to relax. This is not the first time I have had this irrational feeling, I remember nights when I would lie awake crying because I feel my skin stretching and there is nothing I can do about it. It didn't matter how many times my husband would tell me I was beautiful or, reassure me that it was all in my head. Crazy huh? You all probably think I am a nutcase after reading this and that perhaps I should be committed. Now, the purpose of this post was not to get a bunch of people saying how I am "thin", or "beautiful" or "perfect just the way I am". I would just think you were all lying to be nice anyway. The point of it was to give you a glimpse into my head. To see that eating disorders involve a seriously distorted body image and sense of reality. Some days I can see more clearly than others, it all can change very quickly. The sad thing is there are girls out there with even worse delusions about the way they look or the way people perceive them. It's not just something we can all stop doing, you can't just empty these irrational thoughts from our head. It's like half of me knows that I am being delusional and the other half believes it to be reality. Or, it like having an angle on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I have been listening more to that little devil lately, but I am trying hard to tune him out and begin living life listening to my angel.

Motherly

My non-weather word for today is motherly. Or something like that... Some of you know the hard time I have had the past year with my dear little boy. He has been a somewhat difficult child in a very difficult year. Some days I would count down the minutes till the hubby got home so I can get away from him a bit. Since he hit his first birthday he has been improving in his moods and the extreme whining is starting to die down reminding me why I wanted a child in the first place. Today was a beautiful day. Something was so different about the way I felt about my little boy and its hard for me to put it into words. So here is my best try. When he is happy, you can't help but be happy, his smile is so beautiful and the way his little blue eyes sparkle... He was happy all day today. I got to see that smile so many times. We went to the park across the street and he just LOVES the slide his little squeals of delight are so insanely cute. As I sat a little ways away from him watching him play in the sand, I felt it. A realization that he is part of me, he is my little boy and he is beautiful. So happy with who he is and eager to see the world around him. I just wanted to hold him, cuddle with him and absorb his simple joy with the little things. How I love my little boy. I want to be just like him. I want to be better for him. I want to be a healthy happy mommy for him.